Pennies Are for Thoughts, Not for Remedies

It's amazing how now that I'm a parent, suddenly so many strangers feel comfortable sharing words of wisdom and home remedies with me. Clearly, I'm an amateur at this parenting thing, and up until now, I have had a terrible track record of keeping anything in my care (other than my dogs) alive. I don't mind friends/family's advice, solicited or otherwise. They know my track record of dead houseplants, gardens, goldfish, and the turtle that ran away in college, and they are just trying to make sure that Jack and Avery beat the odds. It's the random advice from strangers that I usually find baffling.

Sam and Bailey-the only non-humans to survive my care.

So far, the weirdest advice has been given to me by a stranger at Walgreens. It went something like this:
Stranger: Oh, buying diapers - you must have a baby at home.
Me: Yes......
Stranger: I have ____ (fill in number) of babies. I always _____ (fill in crazy home remedy here) whenever they _______.
Me: Oh, well, uh, thanks. I'll remember that (said while carefully backing away from the stranger).

In the past week, some of the advice and suggestions I've received from a well-meaning stranger at Walgreens included:

• rubbing warm honey on a baby's chest will rid him of congestion (and make a terrible mess)
• massaging breastmilk into the corner of a baby's eye will rid him of a clogged tear duct (ummmm gross)
• mixing Coke and water in a bottle can help with Colic (because I really want to caffeinate my screaming babies who already hate going to sleep)

Yes, I have babies. No, I wont be dipping them in honey.

I'm sure that some home remedies are excellent and totally legit, however, being burnt by home remedies in the past has made me skeptical at best.

A few years ago, I sat on a bee. More accurately, I sat on a picnic blanket while taking a break from whiffle ball, and a bee crawled up my shorts and stung my butt. Seriously. Being an adult, I did the mature thing (after crying a little) and called my mom to find out how to treat the sting. She recommended a baking powder paste, and a penny. 

She remembered reading somewhere that taping a penny to the site of a sting can help pull out the toxins and make the welt heal faster. It sounded weird, but I got on board and carefully affixed the penny to the wound with white athletic tape. I rocked the penny taped to my rear for a few days as the welt began to swell and turn an angry crimson. Finally, on day three I was tired of having a penny taped to my butt and starting to wonder about it's amazing healing properties. I bit the bullet and headed into the doctor to deal with the sting. 

I was seeing a new doctor and was sort of shocked when the EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE doctor walked into the exam room. So, the hot doctor asked what I was there for, and I told him I'd been stung by a bee on my, ummm, hind quarters. This admission was embarrassing enough on its own....but then it got even worse. 

"Have you done anything to treat it?" He asked.

I told him that I'd put a paste on it and had taken Benydryl.....and had taped a penny to it.

"Ummmmm (long pause) So, is the penny on right now?"

I don't think I could say any clever words, so I was stuck nodding.

"Is the penny on there for a reason?" He implored trying not to smile his handsome doctor smile.

Dying a slow death of embarrassment, I tried to explain about the copper in the penny pulling out the toxins, but it sounded beyond ridiculous. So now, the hot doctor was going to have to look at my butt and would inevitably be laughing at the spare change he'd find back there.

"Well, medically I can't say that the penny helped. But maybe next time try a nickel or dime." He advised me.

Cursing the penny and home remedies, I got my prescription and left quickly. It should be noted that I've yet to tape any other currency to any part of my body since the incident.

Going forward, whether it be bee stings or  babies, I'll politely smile and nod when given random (and bizarre) home remedies, but I'll leave the spare change in the piggy bank. 

The Month in Moments: April